The 11th Hour

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20210326-the-mystery-of-our-expanding-universe

As I sit here with at 11, writing my 11th post, at the 11th hour before this final deadline, I really don't think there is any better way to close a semester full of insights and thinking than to write about something much bigger than myself and whoever is reading this.

I have been wanting to write a post about this since the beginning of the semester, but once we passed the halfway point, I thought I could save it for the end. I originally thought this blog was going to reek of existentialism as a thread through every piece of writing that was published. This is mostly due to my overwhelming and constant flow of existential thoughts that plagues the conversations I have with friends, the journal entries I occasionally write, and the inner dialogue that occurs throughout my day.

I am almost embarrassed to write this post, because I think in many ways it can be seen as completely unnecessary or a waste of time but this is my website so I guess I can write about whatever I want.

I want to start by spoiling this entire essay and saying that the ultimate goal of this is not to convince you that nothing really matters, but it will be full of suggestions that this is true. If that bothers you or brings you anxiety here is a trigger warning to stop reading.

As I sat on the beach around midnight last weekend (after Thanksgiving), I was thinking about just how immeasurably, unattainably large our universe is- as you do. While this was by no means a new thought for me, I did think a bit deeper about the stress that I put on myself over metrics that have zero value or importance. This brought me to also start to think about how nothing (including myself) has real "importance" in the scheme of our universe and constructed view of time.

Now before you think I need help for basically saying my life doesn't matter, I would like to emphasize that I have an incredibly full and large lust for life that really makes me excited to get up every single day. "Importance" in this context is not what we, humans in 2021, deem important, because by that measure, we certainly all are. It this essay, importance is instead used to describe our long term impact and intrinsic value for the universe--of which, we have none.

I am realizing now that this post may be offensive or triggering based on spiritual or religious beliefs, so I want to say that this is just my personal, current understanding of things, and I in no way am trying to convince anyone that this is the only way to view our world and universe.

We are not "so small," we are completely irrelevant to how the universe moves through time. Every constructed idea that consumes us is completely the result of what people created to control one another. Our relationships, our governments, our institutions, or education is all based on an ever-changing gauge of normalcy and what we are told and accept as the "way it's supposed to be."

Before getting discouraged about our lack of importance, I want to offer an insight that may provide some light and clarity as it did for me when I first understood it. We are truly free people. Not in the sense that we are not under the superficial control and censorship of the systems that rule us, but in the sense that our bodies and minds, as far as we know, are completely free to feel and think in ways that fulfill us. Our only purpose here is to seek fulfillment and learn ourselves before we go. For many people, this means living for others and for the world, which I can relate to. There are so many opinions about whether living for others is right or wrong--but again we see the structures of others' views of normalcy asserting themselves on us. The overly simple truth is that if living to make others happy, to conserve and make the world sustainable, to save animals, or any other "admirable" mission makes you fulfilled and happy with your life, then that's why you're here for that given moment.

Some of us are meant to adapt through life in and out of different passions, relationships, drives and others crave and live by consistency. We cannot live according to how we think we will feel when "laying on our death bed," because we have no fucking idea what we're going to think. We need to make choices based on our present conclusions and desires. Discomfort is natural, and we are primed to think that it breeds growth, but there are exceptions to every rule. Some pursue discomfort every day because it helps them grow and feel challenged, others feel challenged by deep focus and sustained consistency on 1 mission. Either way, someone might reflect back on their life and regret things or wish some things had gone differently.

We are so fearful of regret, but again, under this design at least, isn't regret also rooted in the constructed idea of normalcy. Why do we regret? In my opinion, we only regret things we think made us less happy than the alternative.

If nothing matters, we might as well be content with ourselves and one another. We might as well surround ourselves with fulfilling missions, people, activities, foods, etc. and that should be our only goal. We might as well make decisions based on what's right to us instead of what feels right to others or what the world tells us is right.

This is of course dangerous. There are definitely humans that are driven by harm. This mindset of freedom opens and enables that harm which is scary. However, we cannot live in fear of people who are driven by harming others or greed. Our only job is to live for us until we are not living, even if that means that our life ends as the result of someone else who is driven by a more harmful path.

We will inevitably grieve, stress, be heartbroken, frustrated, angry and living with a sense of freedom is not to relieve these feelings. These feelings show investment, care, and love. We will often look back and ask ourselves why we reacted with such emotion, but all that tells us is how perspective and reflection are our tools. We shouldn't have to try to act naturally, but we have made ourselves believe that this world and our lives are so complicated that we have to work to do what feels innate and innate is not all encompassing, it is distinct for every single one of us.